"You have to love yourself first."

It's plastered across media and self-help books. It's the answer everyone gives when you're struggling with relationships. What if there's something more achievable, sustainable, and authentic than forcing yourself to "love" every part of who you are? Introducing: self-acceptance.
 
The Challenges with trying to achieve Self-Love

The idea of self-love sounds beautiful. Looking in the mirror and feeling nothing but warmth and adoration for yourself? Lovely. But for most people, it's also unrealistic. Here's why the mission towards self-love can backfire:

It sets an extremely high bar. When you're struggling with anxiety, depression, past trauma, or just being human, telling yourself you need to love yourself feels like another thing you're failing at.

It feels fake. If you genuinely dislike parts of yourself right now, trying to force love feels dishonest. And your brain knows it. You can't think your way into loving yourself by repeating affirmations you don't believe.

It adds pressure. Now you're not just dealing with your struggles, you're also supposed to feel good about yourself while doing it. It becomes one more expectation you can't meet.
 

Why Self-Acceptance Can be More Helpful

Self-acceptance isn't about loving everything about yourself. Instead, it's about acknowledging reality without needing to change it, fix it, or feel good about it.

Self-acceptance says:

• "This is who I am right now."
• "I have flaws, and that's okay."
• "I don't have to be perfect to deserve kindness."
• "I can work on myself without hating who I am today."

It's neutral, it's honest, and it’s achievable.

1. It's grounded in reality

Self-acceptance isn’t about faking it. You don't have to pretend to love your anxiety, your mistakes, or the parts of yourself you're still figuring out. Instead, it’s about stopping the fight against the fact that they exist.

2. It reduces shame

Shame thrives when we believe we should be different than we are. Self-acceptance works on removing that "should."

3. It creates space for growth

When you stop the mission to “love yourself”, you can create more capacity to work on self-growth. You can do this from a place of curiosity, rather than self-hatred.

4. It's kinder

Self-acceptance is compassionate without being performative. You don't have to hype yourself up or convince yourself you're amazing. Instead, it is practicing treating yourself like a human being who's doing their best.
 
What Self-Acceptance Looks Like in Practice

Instead of: "I love my body exactly as it is!" (when you don't) Try: "This is my body. It's not perfect, but it's mine, and it can carry me through my life."

Instead of: "I'm amazing and have no flaws!" Try: "I'm flawed and that's part of being human"

Instead of: "I should love myself more." Try: "I don't have to love myself. Instead I’m working on stopping being cruel to myself."
 
You don't have to love yourself to be okay.

You don't have to love yourself to deserve respect, care, rest, or kindness. You don't have to love yourself to grow or build a life that feels meaningful. You just have practice the process of accepting yourself, flaws and all. That's it. And honestly? That's hard enough.
 
How to start?

• Notice when you're being harsh with yourself. Just notice.
• Practice saying, "I’m finding this hard but I'm doing my best."
• Treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend. With honesty, kindness, and support, not cruelty.

​Self-acceptance won't make all your problems disappear. But it might stop you from being your own biggest critic. And that is where real and meaningful change can happen.
 
Co-authors: Alexis Kliem and Claud 😊
Photo by Oleg Illarionov on Unsplash

When the world shut down in 2020, making therapy available online was required as an alternative to traditional in-person appointments. While it wasn’t a method I typically offered prior to this, I have since realised online therapy offers a lot of positives and it is possible to build a trusted relationship and provide meaningful and life-changing support. However, it does also have a few drawbacks so let’s look at both some of the pros and cons to therapy online.
​
Pros:

• Increased accessibility: This can work well for people with busy schedules, those who don’t want to get stuck in Auckland traffic, individuals in rural places or areas without adequate mental health support, as well as for people with mobility challenges. Being able to offer online sessions also enables me to offer sessions outside of usual office hours, providing more flexibility
• Comfort: Sometimes being able to attend a therapy appointment from the comfort of your own home can feel less daunting and overwhelming
• Lower cost: Online therapy can be more cost-effective due to less travel expenses and time commuting to and from appointments
• Continuity of sessions: Sometimes circumstances like a minor illness or being away from the city would require an in-person appointment to be cancelled. However, online appointments enable the momentum of therapy to continue by not having to rebook at a later date.

 
Cons:

• Reduced social cues: Due to only getting a snapshot of each other on screens, it’s possible that sometimes body language, facial expressions, or cues to speak are missed or misinterpreted. I do think it is possible to navigate this by acknowledging that it can happen and having an agreement to work through this and let each other know if this has occurred
• Tech issues: Technical glitches, such as poor internet connection or software malfunctions, can cause disruption and occasionally frustration for both the client and the therapist. However, in-person appointments also have aspects that can be disruptive, such as accidentally being late to appointments and usually disruptions are able to be worked through without too much negative impact
• The need for privacy: Privacy at home is also important so you can speak freely without concerns that someone at home can overhear you or will interrupt you. Often this can be managed by organising the household to go out or by playing some music in the hallway to muffle any sounds
• It’s not for everyone: Online therapy may not be suitable for individuals dealing with severe mental health issues or crisis situations. In-person therapy may offer more immediate support and interventions necessary for these situations.

 
In summary, online therapy offers some drawbacks, but many positives. The suitability of online therapy ultimately depends on individual preferences and the nature of the issues being addressed. As with any form of therapy, research into finding a qualified and registered professional as well as ensuring a good therapist match are both necessary to ensure a positive and beneficial experience.


Photo by Hillary Black on Unsplash